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[Apr. 6th, 2007|04:36 pm] |
Somebody answer this for me:
When did I become the girl you all have to make an excuse up to so I don't come over and hang? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2007|12:28 pm] |
I really miss the way relationships first start and things are exciting and fun and cute and whatever. I'm afraid I let my guard down too much and got too comfortable.
I'm having trouble thinking of a new lj name so until then, I'm getting all of my depressing thoughts out of my system and into this journal.
Also, if you are someone who decided to avoid me but then ask to hang out when you want to go to a show in the city that I can navigate you to because you don't know how: respectively, fuck off. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2007|09:46 pm] |
Attention: any employed friends:
I still need a job, really really bad. I keep trying and nothing is working my way. If any of your jobs are hiring and you wanna help me out, I'd appreciate it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2007|11:09 pm] |
One last entry for tonight:
This is the reality of it: I'm leaving Long Island, and soon. I'm moving to Brooklyn this summer, which is sooner than I think a lot of people realize. I'm coming to terms with the fact that nearly no one will miss me when I'm gone (even if I won't really be that far). I'm excited about leaving and hopefully meeting some new people that will really mean something to me. I can't keep writing in this journal, it depresses me too much. I'm starting a new one and I'm going to start writing about my life for the exciting one that it is (because it is when I let it be). I'm going to take more pictures and document things better and try not to be so depressed all the time (I'm pmsing really hard right now but yeah.)
Today I rode my bike to Pat's, hung out with he and Herman, went to the mall and ran into Christina, Thersa, Cathleen and Lauren. Thersa gave me one of the April duck pins they made that I'm wearing on my black denim jacket. This still hasn't gotten much easier. April's bithday is on the 13th. She'd be 22.
This bike will be done in a few days. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2007|03:15 pm] |
Everyone bums me out so much lately.
Who wants to start hanging more? Any of you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2007|10:43 am] |
I need to see a lot of you over break.
A lot is going on, I guess. Not really. I'm off of school, still fixing this bike, still not coming out of my house while I'm here on Long Island, still missing a lot of people, still going to Brooklyn, still disappointed.
I'm kind of afraid that once I move, no one is going to be excited to hang with me when I come back. I planned on coming back pretty often but I guess that really depends now.
"People don't change colors when they fall in love," I wish they did. It'd make everything so much easier.
Important talk yesterday.
Hm.
Some people are mad at me, some people are mad at me for moving on. It happens. Sorry.
I just need confidence in something, I guess. I wish somebody in my life was a nearly as enthusiastic about my role in their lives as I am about theirs in mine.
One person. That's all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2007|09:54 pm] |
So let me tell you a story about buying that bike. I go down to the guy's place, I'm wearing a dress so I can't ride the bike to test it out. The guy says it hasn't been ridden in about 6 or 7 months. The thing is obviously used, that much I could tell, but according to my dad, the thing hasn't been ridden in years and everything needs to be tuned up or changed. I picked up new wheels today, I learned a little something about wheels and how things work and whatnot, a lot of stuff I should know. So I tightened all the spokes and lubricated the gears, I'm changing the wheels tomorrow along with whatever else I can do. It needs a new kickstand, too - the thing is like, sawn in half so if I put the kickstand down, it just falls over. I won't have it for him when he wants it but regardless, I'm glad I have a project like this cause I should really learn more about bike maintenance/repair.
Krav Maga yesterday was intense. I saw the woman that got the cardio instructing job that I applied for. All jealousy aside, she's really clueless, but she's older than me, so, yeah. I'm surprisingly not sore right now. Sweet.
I just made a duct tape wallet. So punx, I know.
Casey unfortunately couldn't come out today. Sucks.
I miss my boyfriend so bad. I don't see him except for weekends lately and it sucks. I miss everyone. I don't even come out of my house anymore. No one to hang with.
Oooh peeeeeriod, where aaaaah yewwwww |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2007|09:17 pm] |
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i still hate you tony lovato |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2007|06:24 pm] |
I really need to stop digging so deep into people's pasts; I tend to find out things I don't want to know or just get jealous in general and ahhh I need to stop.
Life in general:
-Picked up a used bike for Jeremy the other day but this thing needs a lot of work, like the cranks won't even move. I'd love to be able to fix this but I'm not very savvy on bike repair, so I'll have to wait for my dad to come home tomorrow to help me.
-Krav Maga tonight
-Casey might be visiting tomorrow!
-Never coming out of my house anymore
-Still no job
-Possibly going to college afterall
-Missing my friends a lot
-Not seeing my boyfriend nearly as often as I used to
-Waiting for my period
-Having offically 0 dollars
-Loving the warm weather
Yeahhhh |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 25th, 2007|04:11 pm] |
http://demo1989.livejournal.com/8386.html
I feel like this all over again (not the part about Jackee, the last part.)
I've done a lot of friend hopping over the years.
( Let's review: )
I need.. a home.
This is way too much changing for me.
Sarah keeps avoiding me and I don't want to complain about it in my livejournal but I can't get her attention any other way so, yeah. I don't really get what I did but for some reason that's what's happening and whatever, at first I thought I was jumping to conclusions but whenever I say I need to talk to her she deliberately ignores it so I'm pretty convinced she doesn't want to talk to me anymore or something, I don't know.
I feel like all I have now is my boyfriend and I never wanted that to happen. I never wanted my boyfriend to become top priority or ONLY priority for that matter. I know this isn't my fault. I know I'm making the effort. Whatever.
I kind of want to start another new journal because this one is filled with complaining and whatever. |
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[Mar. 25th, 2007|08:05 am] |
So Pat and Sarah went to Common Enemy without even calling me and whatever, I guess I should've seen it coming because none of my friends seem to really care about hanging out with me lately and I become an annoying pest bugging them to hang out but everything's still the fault of me "being in Brooklyn" all the time no matter what.
I just want to see my friends, that's it. I don't even know who the hell my friends are anymore.
On a better note, I made a new friend in Sophia -- hung out with her Friday, wasn't sure how to anticipate it because we've never talked before that really and I'm always nervous that I'm socially awkward or something, but we talked nonstop the entire time we hung out.
I went to Jeremy's afterwards to crash and saw him for the first time in a week. Got sneakers the next day (yes, you heard right. For Krav Maga classes.) Got Foodswings, overall a productive weekend.
And I'm not so sure if I have that knitting job thing anymore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2007|03:25 pm] |
Number one, I found a kind of sort of job.
I found an ad on craigslist that was calling for knitters for a company in Brooklyn, a woman needs people to help her produce handbags. So I e-mailed her, she gave me a call yesterday, I'm meeting her on Saturday. I get to work from home at my leisure, but there will be deadlines. I'm stoked, this is the perfect job ever. I don't know if I'm going to go look for a job I'll be working multiple days a week at anymore right now because of number two:
Number two is, I started my Krav Maga classes yesterday.
Remember when I posted about possibly teaching a cardio class at a combat training center? And then I didn't get that job but the teacher is giving me 10 free classes in their form of self defense (not the cardio class) and from there I can decide if I want to become a member. So I went to my first one yesterday. There were only four other people in the class, all men in their 30s-40s. My lack of height was definitely awkward to be attacking/defending against them but I'll get used to it. The class completely kicked my ass and I'm still totally sore right now.
Number three is, it's free iced coffee day!
Number four is, SVA is going to cost my family entirely too much money and I don't know if I can go there anymore. My dad said between my brother and I, college would cost them their life savings. I don't really feel so okay with that, so I don't know. We'll see what happens I guess. |
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[Mar. 19th, 2007|04:13 pm] |
I've been talking to everyone who I haven't seen in a long time.
I need to see Sarah really soon. I know she works a lot but I'd like to really start to see her more often than I ever really got to. I don't know, I never feel easy about my friendships if I don't get to see them often enough. I always feel like people are forgetting about me or something. I should work on that thing I told her I was gonna make her.
I wrote someone a pretty long letter today. I should revise it because it sounds so dumb but I probably won't. Yeah.
Patrick is coming over today for the first time since before he cut his hair, seriously.
I miss Jill, a lot. I think she and I have been going through a lot of the same shit lately and even have been growing into the same people -- meaning, we've been getting the same good and bad experiences (involving our own people in our lives) and we've both grown into really irritable characters.
As long as I can mend or continue to keep up my friendship situations, I think my incline is coming my way. I don't want to jynx anything. Dad says he might be able to make SVA happen. I'll tell you the rest if there actually is more to tell.
I'm not sure why I bother writing in this thing, no one reads it anyway. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 17th, 2007|11:43 am] |
So today I dreaded my hair, and then I took them out.
But while they lasted, they looked like ( this. )
I decided I'm too impatient to keep them in long enough to where they start to take form and actually look good and not like a bad 80s tease.
Fuqq dissss I'm cutting all of this shit off when it gets warmer out. Pz.
PS I'd hate to be pessimistic again but, I feel like both of my best friends are slowly starting to stop caring about me entirely.
PPS On the optimistic side, today marks four months. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2007|03:03 pm] |
I'm so tired of trying to keep my head above water. My legs are getting tired and I can't swim and it's inevitable that I'm going to eventually drown, and I just want to get it over with already. I'm so unmotivated. I can't keep going to school. I keep trying to find problems in the things that are going good for me and I don't know why. I wish I wasn't so confrontational all the time and I just accepted that a good thing is in my life and take that for what it is. I wish he didn't have this idea that the only things that make him happy are temporary, that I'm most likely temporary. Why can't I ever talk about the truth, the WHOLE truth, without people running away from me? He once told me he shared my "problem" in "loving too much." I don't know.
He also told me the bad things in my life come in clumps. You know, I've had a lot of bad shit go on recently why can't it just get over with already?
All I know is, despite what you think, I DO know what I'm talking about.
Nobody is going to read this because nobody cares, but whatever I guess.
I need to change my act.
Really bad. |
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[Mar. 12th, 2007|09:23 pm] |
Nevermind.
I got rejected from Hunter. |
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[Mar. 10th, 2007|09:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | patti smith | ] |
 So Thursday was International Women's Day. This isn't really celebrated or even aknowledged here in the US, but I celebrated anyway by going to the city to see Eve Ensler speak. For those who don't know, Ensler is the author of The Vagina Monologues and three other books, and is my favorite author. The bishop opened the speech with "Who doesn't know Eve Ensler? She's got more women saying the word 'vagina' than ever before. Ha! See? Even the bishop said it." Eve talked a bit about that, about two high school girls who got suspended for saying the word "vagina" (what the fuck?), her own abuse.. she talked about how her father would mollest her and, when that happened, she'd go out onto the corner, waiting for this character ("Mr. Alligator," she called him) to come take her away. She then talked about a home for mutilated women run by a woman who was a victim of genital mutilation, and how when she saw that, she claimed her "Mr. Alligator," had come. I couldn't do it justice but she made the event (which was otherwise pretty dull, to be honest) totally worth while.
Okay, so the cardio instructing job didn't work out. However, the guy who runs the place told me he was impressed with me and he's keeping me on file, for if an instructor leaves, I could very well be teaching there. In addition, he's letting me take 10 courses there for free, and if I like it and want to become a member, I will receive not only the student discount but an additional 20% off. So, I'm all over this. Unfortunately, this means the hunt for a job is back on. Bummer.
Jeremy stayed over last night. My dad was totally cool with it (go figure). We celebrated Pat Sullivan's birthday yesterday which was way cool 'cause I haven't seen that kid in mad long. Good weekend. I'm so in love, I can't even tell you. This rules.
Oh yeah, I got rejected from Queens College. No word from Hunter. |
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